Your Presents Will Be Missed
by Kurmoi
Summary: The DOA gang have organised their reunion... at the same time as Hayabusa's birthday. What to get him? What problems ensue? Err... LOTS. OOC.
1. Chapter 1

Random silliness ensues. Don't say I didn't warn you ^^ Perhaps you just need a certain sort of humour for this to appeal to you… thanks to my co-writer (sort of) And excuse the time of year I posted this (half a year early or late, depending…) but I got the _idea _in June… pah… just lazy. Go Hayabusa's birthday all the way… it means that mine was a week before :P

Oh, judging by the 'certain sense of humour'… expect very OOC. ^^

-Your presents will be missed-

Approximately ten people were sitting in comfortable plush chairs. Nine of the ten were glaring at the tenth person. All ten were talking about the missing eleventh person. None of them were in overly good moods, just to top it off.

"Why now?" A young blonde with extravagant clothes and equally extravagant cleavage moaned, American accent prominent. "Of all times to pick a reunion, you had to pick a month when it was someone's birthday? And of all the birthdays, you didn't pick mine?"

"And of all the birthdays, you had to pick someone who nobody knows what to get them?" A Chinese beauty spoke up from the back corner. "Why June?"

"Why not?" The French woman, who was the tenth person, shrugged. "It's summer. The surf's up, the weather's great…"

"Yeah, and Hayabusa's birthday is in three days!" Hayate exclaimed, also from the back corner. "Which means we have to get him something, which means we need to have an idea of what to give him! Why couldn't you have had this in July?"

"Or December?" came the drawl of Tina. 

Helena held up an elegant, manicured hand. "Stop complaining just because it isn't your month. Besides, it's not like you don't get presents, anyway,"

"But…" Kasumi started from the corner furthest away from her brother and half-sister, "You picked Hayabusa's month! Of all the people… why didn't you pick someone harder, like Gen-Fu, or the Tengu? Maybe even hell itself?"

"Gen-Fu would be easy," Leifang interrupted. "Get him some aspirin or a mah-jongg set and he'd be happy forever. Or at least until he carks it,"

There was silence for a moment, while everybody present thought hard of what to get the super ninja. 

"Get him a piece of coal," Jann-Lee said bitterly. 

"Can't. I already gave him that for Christmas," Hayate said.

"Get him nothing," Zack suggested.

"Can't. _I _gave him that for Christmas," Kasumi said, looking sheepish.

"An Xbox?" Tina suggested. 

"No way. You think anyone stuck in the eighteenth century would know how to use one of those?" Ayane made a face. "But you can give me one for _my_ birthday…"

"He's not stuck in the eighteenth century. I saw him just before," Hitomi said, confused.

"Get him a guillotine," Christie suggested.

Everyone turned to her, disgust evident in their expressions.

"Fine…" Christie muttered, before her expression brightened up again. "Get him a _used _guillotine!"

Silence for a moment. Everyone's glares went from Helena to Christie.

"Umm… what about something ninja-ish?" Leifang asked, looking clueless.

"Ninja-ish?" the ninjas repeated, looking equally clueless.

"Like… like…" Leifang waved her hands around, trying to articulate her point. "Like… like a… umm… sword?" she finished, looking sheepish.

"No way. You know hard those things are to get through Customs?" Hayate shook his head sadly. "I tried,"

"Oh. Darn…"

Silence again, before the door opened and the person in previous question stepped in.

"What's the congregation for?" the super ninja asked, looking around at everybody's expressions, taking in everything from Tina's breasts to everyone glaring at Christie. "Am I missing something?"

"Nothing other then a few hundred brain cells," Hayate said, smiling sweetly. 

"Oh," Ryu blinked. "That's okay then,"

"Go away," Zack instructed. "We're talking about you,"

"Oh," Ryu repeated, looking flabbergasted. "Okay,"

The door shut, and everybody heaved a sigh of relief. 

"Do you think he heard anything?" Hitomi asked anxiously.

Everyone shook their heads.

"Maybe we should have invited Gen-Fu," Helena mused aloud. "Perhaps he'd have a better idea then we do,"

"Nah," Tina shook her head. "He'd say 'mah-jongg' or something,"

More silence.

"Hayate?" Ayane asked. "You're his friend, what do you think he wants?"

Everyone turned to Hayate.

"Our friendship doesn't entail gifts," Hayate said hastily.

"Then what the heck does it entail?" Zack asked, looking suspicious.

Hayate shrugged. "Not gifts,"

"Great," Christie muttered. "We've gotten nowhere fast,"

"Better then getting nowhere slow," Kasumi added helpfully.

"This is boring," Jann-Lee complained.

"My boobs are falling out," Tina complained.

"Get him in here and ask him what he wants!" Helena exclaimed in frustration. There were a few exchanged glances, before Hitomi stood up.

"I'll get him,"

"Okay. Ryu. WHAT-_do_-_you_-WANT-_for_-_your_-BIRTHDAY?" Hayate asked, being careful to enunciate every word clearly enough for even the most idiotic idiot to comprehend. 

There was a pause. 

"I don't know," The super ninja looked confused. "How am I supposed to know?"

"Any ideas?" Kasumi asked desperately.

"What about you tell me what you want and it might give me some ideas," Ryu said, looking bemused. Desperate enough to try anything, they agreed.

"I want a new silk dress," Leifang said. "And maybe a nice bag to go with it. What about you, Helena?"

"Perhaps some new champagne flutes. My other ones got broken. And some champagne to put in them." she turned to Zack.

"TV reception for my alien suit!" he exclaimed. Everyone blinked.

"I want…" Christie started.

"Next," Helena interrupted hastily.

Christie scowled as Ayane spoke.

"I wouldn't mind some more make-up,"

"I would love some more fortune telling cards. Because with the ones I have now, all they tell me is that something flat with a weird picture on it is in my future," Kasumi said sadly. "Oh, and perhaps some strawberry millefeuille too,"

"I need a new Xbox game," Tina said. "Ninja Gaiden's looking good," 

"I just bet it is," Leifang muttered under her breath. "And they say _we _dress up skanky,"

"Oh, and some new cossies," the American added. "You can never have too many of them,"

"Yeah, I would go with that," Hitomi mused. "And perhaps a new cooking book as well,"

There was a pause as everyone turned to Jann-Lee.

"I want to get out of here," he muttered.

"You'll be out of here before your birthday, thank god," Zack responded. "Otherwise we'd have heaps more birthdays to do,"

Hayate looked thoughtful. "I wouldn't mind a new sword holster, actually," the Mugen-Tenshin clan leader decided. "You can never have too many sword holsters,"

"See?" Tina turned to Hitomi. "That's where girls differ from guys. We want gifts that are things to show our compensations. Guys want gifts that compensate for their things,"

Zack sniggered. Hayate looked confused.

"So…" Helena jumped in quickly , looking at Ryu. "Those helped you at all?"

"Yeah, maybe you like the idea of Leifang's dress?" Jann-Lee added spitefully. 

"No. I don't like silk," Ryu shook his head seriously. "No offence, Leifang," he added hastily.

"Don't tell me you like cotton!" Tina exclaimed, eyes wide.

Ryu sighed, a trace of brain coming into his statements for the first time that day. "You don't have to get me anything, you know," 

"We've got gifts for everyone else so far, so we have to get something for you too," Hitomi declared. Everyone stopped glaring at Christie and started glaring at her. "What?" the German girl asked, eyes wide and innocent. 

"Besides… if you loved me you'd know what I want!" Ryu said determinedly. 

Everyone looked at each other.

"Uh, a light bulb?" Zack asked.

"A tissue box?" 

"A coffee cup?"

"A Playstation 2?"

"A fluffy toy?" 

"A child?" 

Everyone stared incredulously at Tina, who shrugged.

"He might,"

"Never mind," Ryu shook his head again before walking out of the room.

There was silence, while everybody exchanged glances and whispered conversations for a few minutes, before Hayate declared something to the room.

"I have decided that…"

Everyone held their breath. Could it finally be a decision?

"…that I need to go to the loo. Later," With that, Hayate stood up and left.


	2. Chapter 2

Yes, I DO love Ryu. When DOA Online or whatever the heck it's called comes out… expect to see a retard out there by the name of Kurmoi being an idiot with Hayabusa! Woo! Err… *cough*

"I have an idea…" Hitomi voiced nervously. 

"Yeah?"

"What about we get him a haircut?" she asked.

"Hey, that's a good idea!" Tina exclaimed, for lack of any better ideas. "You know there's something wrong when a guy uses more conditioner then you do,"

"Jeez, he uses more then _I _do," Kasumi rolled her eyes. "Oh well… at least I always know where to get spare stuff from if I run out…"

"He uses conditioner?" Jann-Lee looked stunned.

"Of course. Your hair is beautiful if you use conditioner. Therefore _you're_ beautiful," Helena smiled. 

Without saying anything, Jann-Lee pulled out a notepad and added something to his shopping list. _Must buy conditioner._

"We could get him a pet, like a dog, or a snake, or a giraffe…" Tina suggested. Christie, for lack of better things to do, snatched Jann-Lee's pad of paper and wrote down the ideas, followed by a few of her own.

Leifang glanced over Christie's shoulder and her eyes slowly widened. "Gas chamber? Electric chair? Machine gun capable of blowing guys' balls off?" she shook her head at the platinum haired woman. "Where do you expect us to find stuff like that?"

"I have my sources," was the cold reply.

"Well, they're ideas, I guess…" Helena said. "Any others?"

"What about we get something each and it adds up into one big present?" Hitomi asked.

"What do you mean?" A perplexed Helena asked.

"Dude! Like, a puzzle?" Zack asked.

"Something like that," Hitomi shrugged.

Hayate came back into the room. Holding a knife. With red stains on it.

"Uh, Hayate…?" Hitomi asked cautiously. "Why are you holding a knife with a menacing look in your eyes when you went to the _toilet?"_

The unspoken thought was hanging in the air, more obvious then a bad smell. _Did Hayate just… did he…?_

"Hell no," Hayate licked the knife, avoiding the blade. "Darn jam sponge cake… err…"

The unspoken thought disappeared, followed by a greasy from the other nine people in the room. Hayate looked sheepish. 

"Hey, come on. It's not like half of you were actually going to eat it, what with you dieting and all…"

The dirty looks increased tenfold. "I was planning on starting my diet _next _week," Christie informed him icily.

"I went off mine just so I could enjoy myself _this _week," Ayane hissed.

"I wasn't planning on eating it, actually," Zack said, rubbing his stomach. "Don't wanna get that puppy fat, ya know?"

"Anyway," Helena intervened crisply. "Does anyone have any more ideas about presents?"

"A budgerigar!" Kasumi exclaimed happily. 

Everyone turned to stare at her, except for Ayane, who was glaring at her, and Hayate, who had his eyes to the floor muttering something that sounded like 'Kasumi is dead' over and over. She smiled, and held two fingers up in a peace sign.

"Everyone knows what good companions budgies are. And you know, seeing as he's known as the solitary super ninja and all, he could be less solitary with a nice budgie companion!" 

"Good idea," Helena complimented, while Christie drew a picture of a budgie on the paper, followed by several arrows spearing the poor bird to the edge of the paper, with a generous pool of blood seeping underneath it.

"What about we make him up?" Ayane suggested. "Make him look all pretty,"

"Ooh!" Leifang exclaimed. "Yeah, we could do his nails, and give him nice lippie…"

"Ooh!" the other girls said in unison, minus Christie. Meanwhile, the guys (and Christie) in the room were trying to hold their lunches, or in Hayate's case a certain jam sponge cake, down.

"Let's do that!" Hitomi smiled. "We can do something else too, but let's do that!"

"Yeah!" the girls exclaimed. Hayate buried his head in his hands.

"Poor Ryu. Even he doesn't deserve that,"

"He'll never be able to recover from it," Zack added.

"_Even _he doesn't deserve that, and that's a lot coming from me," Jann-Lee agreed. 

There was a pause. Hayate was in thought. Had Jann-Lee finally forgiven Ryu for that comment in the second tournament he had later heard about?

"Have you seen the way Leifang makes up?" Jann-Lee shook his head. "No-one deserves that. Nobody,"

__

Sort of, Hayate thought. 

There were some sudden muffled noises from outside the room before Hayabusa rushed in, shutting the door and locking it behind him.

"I'm going to get you!" came the voice from the outside. 

"If you do, you'll be up for a new door!" Hayabusa retorted.

"Oh," came the sullen response from outside. "Well… I'll get you when you come out then. I'll be waiting…"

Hayabusa fell into a chair, shaking his head. "He's insane," he declared.

"Who?" Helena asked.

"Bayman. He popped up out of god knows where and says he wants to practise torturing people. For some reason he didn't like it too much when I told him to practise them on his…" a pause. "…let's just say his thing. He got angry and started chasing me around,"

"Thing?" Zack burst out laughing. "Sorry… just we had a talk about that before,"

Ryu looked at them oddly. "You were talking about Bayman's thing?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Not… Bayman's thing," Hayate said hastily. "Just… things in general,"

"Things in general?" Both of Hayabusa's eyebrows were raised by this stage. "Why? Actually, I don't want to know," he sighed, and stood up. "I better go out now and face the crunching. Better now then when I'm not expecting it," 

"Have fun," Jann-Lee mock-bowed to him, gesturing at the door.

"I'm sure," the super ninja said sarcastically before walking out. 

Everyone fell silent, listening for what would happen. There was a thump, before some giggling.

"What the…?" Zack started, but got shut up by nine angry glares.

"…T-t-that tickles!" they heard through the door. "S-s-stop it! I'll…"

"You'll?" Bayman's gruff voice was audible through the solid wood.

"…Get off me!" there was another thump and a crack. They all winced as one, realising that it was the crack of a bone.

"That does it!" Bayman's voice was heard. "You're off my Christmas card list now!"

"What?" Hayabusa sounded indignant. "You started it!"

"You made my leg make a funny noise!" the assassin yelled.

"You tickled me!" the ninja's voice was just as loud. "And you poked me in the eye too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Anyway…" Helena's voice snapped everyone out of their reverie. "I hereby call this meeting, if you can really call it that, to a finish. If anyone has any ideas, please tell me before the fifteenth," 

They filed out, only to see Hayabusa and Bayman squaring up in the corridor. 

"I'll crunch you!" Bayman roared.

"Well… I'll… stab you!" Hayabusa retorted.

"I'll stab you first!"

"If you stab me first, I'll stab you second! If not, I'll stab you first!"

"Hey, guys?" Hayate tapped Hayabusa on the shoulder. "Dinner time,"

"Dinner?" 

"Yep," Hayate smiled. "Your favourites…"

Anyone in the hallway was trampled as the ninja and the assassin raced down to the dining room. Leifang blinked.

"Well!" 


	3. Chapter 3

More silliness. Yeah, I don't think any of the characters are this stupid… except perhaps Hayate… kidding! KIDDING!

By the time they got down to the dining room, there was another argument in progress.

"I beat you down," 

"No you didn't! I was miles in front of you!"

"You're just jealous of my good looks!"

"Why would I be jealous of your flat head?"

"I do not have a flat head!"

"Could you please pass the gravy?" Kasumi asked politely.

"What do you call that, numbskull?"

"A bigger brain then you have!"

"You don't have enough room for a brain in that flat skull of yours!"

"Sure," Leifang passed the bowl of gravy down to her friend. 

"I'd rather have a flat head then a flat… thing!" Bayman roared.

Hayabusa blinked.

"Umm… how do you know?"

The next morning, there was obviously some tension between Bayman and Hayabusa. Soon, it was obvious as to why, or so it seemed.

"Uh…" Leifang started, not knowing how to word it politely. "Bayman, why do you have pictures of bananas all over your face?"

"Ask him!" Bayman yelled, pointing to Hayabusa.

"What?" Hayabusa immediately frowned. "It wasn't me!"

"Sure it wasn't!" The assassin grabbed the ninja, dragged him outside and slammed the door. Everyone flinched as they heard the tell-tale cracking of the scorpion death lock.

"Oops," Jann-Lee said sheepishly. Everyone glared at him. 

"Why the hell did you draw bananas on his face?" Zack asked, bemused. Jann-Lee shrugged.

"Well, they were supposed to be half-moons, but…"

He was interrupted by a loud slap.

"Get off! Cracking my leg in three places is enough, but you are not tickling me any more!" Another resounding slap echoed through the room.

"Whoa, he packs a punch," Tina mused aloud. "Remind me not to get him mad. He sounds as though he slaps hard,"

Bayman stormed back into the room, followed by a disgruntled Hayabusa. They sat at opposite ends of the table and refused to look at each other.

"Why don't you wash them off?" Hitomi suggested tentatively. 

"Why? _Why?_" Bayman roared. "Because the little idiot used permanent marker, that's why! You little…" 

Everyone sighed as the ninja was grabbed again, hauled outside again, and met the scorpion death lock again. Jann-Lee looked almost guilty. Almost.

A few minutes later, Bayman came in. No signs of Hayabusa anywhere.

"Bayman?" Tina asked delicately. "Where'd Hayabusa go?"

"Where? _Where?" _Bayman roared. Then he shrugged. "I dunno. He muttered something about 'crutches' and 'cattle prod' and 'thing' before going,"

"Oh," Everyone looked rather sheepish. 

"So, while he's gone!" Helena said happily. "Any ideas?"

"Some crutches?" Zack suggested wisely.

"A cattle prod?" Kasumi asked helpfully.

"A thing?" Ayane asked not-so helpfully.

"_Two _things!" Hayate exclaimed happily.

He was met with eleven odd looks.

Silence.

"Am… am I misunderstanding what a thing is?" Hayate asked tentatively. 

"What do you think it is?" Christie asked, smiling like a snake would when it was about to eat its dinner. 

"A brain?" Hayate asked.

Everyone simultaneously slapped their foreheads.

"Not quite," Hitomi finally managed to say.

"Oh," There was a pause. "Then are you going to let me in on the joke?"

More silence.

"Guys?"

"Let's spar!" Had been the words of doom for the day. Especially with Hayabusa, who had holstered a cattle prod instead of his usual sword whilst fighting Bayman.

Hayabusa kicked Bayman across the arena, before running over, jumping on him, and…

…and…

"Okay, Hayabusa, I think he's dead," Ayane said after several moments of watching the super ninja literally bounce on top of the assassin's limp body.

"Oh," Hayabusa got off, not before waving his fingers around like a conductor, ending with the usual two fingered action. However, the words were not the same. "Two fingered up yours, bitch!" the super ninja declared, before pulling out the cattle prod.

"Whatever happened to 'Rin Pyo To Sha Kai Chin Retsu Zai Zen?'" Hayate asked nobody in particular as they all watched the interesting display involving the assassin, the super ninja, some painful looking kicks and a cattle prod.


	4. Chapter 4

Dude, I must've been on something bad when I wrote this! Damn lollies! *Glares at lolly tin* Naughty, naughty… very random, this chapter. ^^;

*

It seemed later that the super ninja was on a roll. Christie volunteered to spar against Hayabusa next, but not without him getting rid of the cattle prod, at least for a time. Soon enough, however, she was out for the count. Hayabusa knelt beside her briefly.

"Gomen. Gomen nasai. I'm a good liar," he stood up again, pulling her up as he got up. "Get up before you see my cattle prod,"

"Shut up before you see my stilettos," the other assassin retorted.

"I won't see your stilettos if my cattle prod gets to them first," Hayabusa stated.

"No! My stilettos! You evil bastard!" She lunged at him, very un-She Quan. 

"Watch the cattle prod!" Hayabusa retaliated, very un-ninjutsu. 

"Wow. It seems they've suddenly picked up karate," Hitomi mused.

"Oh my. Someone seems to be flying across the arena," Hayate added.

"Big deal. I could make them fly further," Jann-Lee boasted.

"Yeah, and cattle prods might fly," Leifang scoffed.  

"Shut up!" Jann-Lee instantly snapped.

"You'll meet my stilettos soon! And you have no cattle prod!" Leifang sneered.

Several minutes and one stiletto stomp later, Jann-Lee was rolling around in agony on the grass, while Hayabusa sat nursing his cattle prod. Christie shrugged and began sparring against Ayane. Helena, Tina and Hitomi looked at each other before walking off to go shopping. Kasumi sat in the sun, daydreaming of cute little budgerigars, while Zack was trying to resuscitate Bayman. Hayate gave Leifang a high-five. Jann-Lee immediately stopped his rolling and went to bash up Hayate. Leifang gave him another stomp. He started rolling again. Christie flew backwards, hit a wall and frowned. Ayane smirked, then got hit in the head by a flying bumblebee. 

"So…" It was time for another what-the-hell-to-do-for-Hayabusa's-birthday-in-two-days-meeting. Helena was chairing, as usual. "What should we get him?"

"He seemed to like that cattle prod," Christie remarked offhandedly.

"Do and die," Bayman spat. 

"Guess what we saw in the shops today?" Hitomi exclaimed. She pulled a shopping bag from somewhere and whisked out something with a flourish. "A soft toy dragon! Isn't it cute!"

"What made you pick a dragon?" Kasumi asked interestedly. 

"His name means that in Japanese, does it not?" Helena asked.

"Have you seen him in the morning?" Tina added.

"It's cute!" Hitomi exclaimed.

Everyone shot her odd looks. She shrugged.

"It is!"

The dragon, dubbed Ryu II, soon made its way around the room, everyone squeezing, poking, teasing and moulding it. 

"Nice," Hayate complimented, poking it in the stomach. "Cute,"

"Cute? It's preposterous!" Ayane exclaimed. "He's not a cutesy cuddly little soft toy kind of guy, he's more of a blow-it-up-your-ass-and-smoke-it kind of guy!"

"You never know…" Hayate said mysteriously.

"Well, blow it up his ass and tell him to smoke it," Tina said, shrugging.

"I want one," Zack said.

"Shut up," An annoyed and still sore Jann-Lee snapped.

Leifang raised her foot threateningly.

"Fine…"

"Why doesn't it have things?" Hayate asked suddenly.

Everyone turned to stare oddly at him.

"Oh, right. Things aren't brains, are they…"


	5. Chapter 5

Pause.

"Any more ideas?" Helena asked desperately.

Silence.

"Food," Jann-Lee said finally.

"Yeah!" Tina exclaimed. "Every guy likes food,"

"Girls!" Zack suggested.

"Yeah!" Leifang shouted. "Most guys like girls!"

"How do you know Hayabusa does?" Jann-Lee asked sourly.

"I know. I've seen the way he stares at my breasts," Kasumi intervened helpfully.

"And mine," Ayane added, not wanting to be outdone. Kasumi turned to her angrily.

"He does not stare at your breasts!"

"As if he stares at yours! There's nothing to stare at, except silicon!" Ayane yelled.

"He stares at mine more then he stares at yours!" Kasumi retorted.

"Okay, break it up," Tina interrupted. More silence.

"Besides…" she added. "He stares at mine more then the both of you put together,"

"DOES NOT!" Ayane and Kasumi yelled simultaneously.

"Maybe we should get him some plastic breasts," Jann-Lee muttered. Christie was avidly writing the suggestions down, complete with illustrations.

"You've got some good suggestions today, Jann-Lee," Leifang smiled innocently at him. He shot her a glare back, which was returned tenfold with a stomp.

Helena glanced over at Ayane, Tina and Kasumi, who were in the middle of an intense cat-fight. She shrugged. "Never mind. Any other ideas?"  

"Let's go to the beach!" Zack exclaimed.

"Yeah!" 

"Can we, Helena, can we?"

"No," Helena ordered. "Not until we've got something for Hayabusa's birthday, or at least some ideas,"

"Damn him!" Bayman cracked his knuckles. "Why did he pick to be born however many years ago when we would be having a vacation? Inconsiderate little-" he went off into a mumbling, murmuring, cursing reverie. "I'll get him for that!" he added menacingly.

"Get me for what?" To everyone's surprise, a voice spoke from the back corner of the room. They cringed as one, expecting to see Hayabusa there, but…

"Uh, we're not talking about you, Hayate," Hitomi informed hesitantly.

"Oh. Something to do with those 'things', huh?"

"You could say that,"

"I know!" Leifang suddenly jumped to her feet. "A calligraphy set!"

"Calligraphy? Can he do calligraphy?" Tina asked, bemused.

"One of those funny hats?" Kasumi suggested. Everyone looked at her blankly.

"Those ones that have a pointy top and you can apparently use them to stop an arrow hurtling directly at your forehead…" she waved a hand. "You know?" 

"We could put bombs in it!" Christie suggested, looking happy again.

"No," Helena shot her a glare. Christie frowned again.

"Get him a brain," Jann-Lee said sourly. 

"Why? You can sell unused ones for more money," 

"Get him a thing. He won't have one after I've finished with him," Bayman cracked his knuckles again.

"Where the hell do you buy one of them?" Ayane snapped.

"At the butcher?" Hayate suggested.

Silence.

"Oh… they're not brains, I get it…" Hayate trailed off wistfully.

*

Dude, I like ending on Hayate's stupidity. Anyway. Just had lots of coke today. Lots… mmm, coke… anyways. I'll go before my sugar/coke-induced high becomes contagious. Sayonara! 

Wow, I can spell… anyway. Hope you enjoyed. 


	6. Chapter 6

Hmm… the letter thing has also been used in another story. Don't worry, I'm not stealing anyone's ideas :P I helped write it in the other story, and the idea was originally for this story, but got used in the other story first. *Sweatdrop* anyway, till then!

*

"Personally, I like Hitomi's idea of a haircut," Leifang said. 

"Me too," added Hitomi.

There was a pause. 

"Should we just get him a haircut?" Kasumi asked. 

"He might not _want _a haircut!" Helena exclaimed, stroking her long hair.

"Well, too bad! It's the thought that counts, right?" Leifang stood up. "And we _think _that he should like our haircut!"

"Not the beautiful long hair!" Bayman mocked, running a hand through his own fuzz.

"Why would anyone in their right mind grow their hair that long, anyway?" Jann-Lee snorted.

Three angry girls turned to him, two out of the three wearing stilettos.

"Shit," Jann-Lee ran out of the room.

"I think what he meant was 'why would any _guy _in their right mind grow their hair that long, anyway?'" Zack offered. 

"Oh," Helena and Kasumi sat down. Leifang remained standing. 

"He didn't say that. And besides, it's an excuse to stiletto him. I'll see you soon,"

"Isn't it the thought that counts?" Bayman asked.

A stiletto later, he was sorely regretting speaking. Very sorely.

Meanwhile, Hayabusa was in the very interesting process of meditating. He was just clearing his mind (which needless to say, wasn't hard) when suddenly, an arrow shot directly at his head. He grabbed his sword, and with several chops, the arrow landed in a pile of splinters at his feet. Just intact was a piece of paper attached to the letter.

"Wow…" he mused aloud. "A letter! Hopefully it isn't junk mail… I love letters…"

There was a pause. All you could hear was the birds chirping, that was until the sound of paper being scrunched up was heard.

"I'd like them even more if I could read, but," the super ninja muttered, throwing the paper to the ground. "Why does everyone keep on sending me letters when I can't read 'em? Stupid Japanese characters… can't anyone send me a letter in a language I understand? Like… umm… Hayabusaese or something?"

There was a flurry of sakura petals before Kasumi appeared next to him. "Hey, Hayabusa!" she said, then noticed the paper by his feet. "You got a letter? Can I read it?"

"Be my guest," he said bitterly. 

"Hmm… wow. Who's this?" she showed him the letter. He snatched it off her.

"Your mum," he muttered.

"My mum? Wow! Can I come too? I want to see Mum! Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaase, Hayabuuuuuuussssaaa?" she begged.

"Uh… there's not enough room in the car," he said stupidly. Kasumi's face fell.

"Oh. Well…" she looked extremely despondent. "Well, say hi to her for me, won't you, Hayabusa-san?"

"I'll do that," he promised, disappearing in a swirl of leaves.


	7. Chapter 7

Here's for Ryu acting like a ponce. Hey! ^_^

Oh, Wolf, he didn't. He pulled out the excuse that I use, actually… when in doubt, say 'your mum'. It works every time. ^_^ Except if you're talking to your mum, then I guess it won't, but… err, yeah. ^_^ Blame it on the coke, baby, the coke… mmm, coke… vanilla coke!

Yay! ^_^ For some reason, this chapter made me think of something. Only prob is that my memory sucks and I've forgotten what it was. Damn. At least I can remember that Hayabusa is a sexy biatch. If I couldn't, where would I be?????

*

It was becoming a routine. They were sitting around the lounge area, trying now desperately to think of something to get the super ninja.

"He's gone to see our Mum!" Kasumi exclaimed happily to Hayate, who shot his sister a strange look.

"Mum's been dead for years, Kasumi,"

"Well… he said he was!" she exclaimed. "I wanted to come too, but…" the young kunoichi's face fell. "There wasn't enough room in the car!" The kunoichi bawled. 

"I've made a decision," Helena announced. Everyone turned to look at her, even Kasumi, with her big amber eyes tear-filled.

"Hayabusa is officially the most difficult person to buy a gift for. I say we tie him down and make him up, and then buy some random object and give it to him,"

"Tie up?" Christie suddenly looked extremely interested.

"No hot irons," Hayate told her.

Christie's face fell. "I suppose you're going to tell me no torture, either,"

"Yup," Hayate nodded.

"That's no fun!" Bayman protested.

Everyone looked at him sceptically. 

"You _want _to tie Hayabusa up and torture him?" Jann-Lee asked quizzically.

"Hmm. Bet that's not all he wants to do," Leifang snickered.

Everyone looked disgusted, except for Christie and Bayman. Must have been an assassin thing. With a sudden swirl of leaves, Hayabusa himself appeared in the room.

"G'day," he said, sitting down beside Hayate.

"Hi. Okay, now back to the conversation. Why do you want Hayabusa helpless?" Helena asked, raising a fine eyebrow.

Bayman grinned. "So I can bash him up for drawing bananas on my face, of course,"

"Well, I didn't do it," Ayane added helpfully.

"What are we talking about?" Hayabusa asked, confused.

Helena paused. "We're talking about why Bayman wants you tied up and helpless,"

"Oh," Hayabusa blinked. "Perhaps because he wants to bash me up for drawing bananas on his face?" 

"A confession!" Bayman roared. "Hayabusa did it!"

The assassin lunged.

"Ah, dude, that's Leifang," Zack corrected the assassin.

"Oh. Damn," Bayman stopped trying to choke Leifang and pounced onto Hayabusa.

Everyone looked slightly scared, watching the assassin.

"You little… umm… what's that word where someone's a brat?" Bayman asked, pausing in his efforts to choke Hayabusa.

"A brat?" Kasumi interjected helpfully.

"That's it. You little brat!" Bayman roared.

"You… you… big brat!" Hayabusa yelled back. 

"I should have stabbed you back at the third tournament!" 

"You tried and missed, remember? Goes to show that you're an idiot!"

"No, you caught it, arsehole! Don't you have any consideration for my assassinating?"

"Not when you messed up my **hair!**" The super ninja pushed off the Russian assassin, before lunging at him with the poise of a cat. "You are soooooooooooooo dead!"

"Wait! Wait! Truce!" Bayman coughed.

"Why?" Hayabusa asked, confused once more.

"My hair!"

"You have no hair!"

"Well, just because you have enough for ten people doesn't mean that yours is better! It just means it's… better!" Bayman yelled. "Besides, only poofs wear it that long!"  
"Poof?" Helena, Kasumi and Leifang stood up furiously.

Bayman visibly paled. "I meant…"

"POOF?" All three girls strode over to where the Russian assassin was standing.

"Shit," Bayman high-tailed it out of the room.

Hayabusa, meanwhile, buried his head into his hands. 

"You guys are so mean to me! I don't know why I put up with it!"

"Neither do I," Ayane said helpfully.

"Ohhhhhh!" 

"Err… Ryu…?" Hayate was looking slightly concerned now.

Nothing.

"Hayabusa?" Tina tried.

Still nothing.

"Boobies!" Kasumi exclaimed happily.

_Still _nothing.

"Chocolate cake!" Helena chided.

"Where?" Hayabusa exclaimed, jumping up, before looking at her with big emerald eyes and dropping his head again. "You guys are so mean, you don't even know what to get me for my birthday!"

"Neither do you," Leifang argued.

"That's beside the point! Oh…" With that, Ryu stood up, hair flowing elegantly behind him, and flounced out of the room.

*

Whether he's being gay or not, he's mine :P Well, not really, but I'll swap a can of vanilla coke for him. 


	8. Chapter 8

I totally agree, Lady t1! He looks totally sexy! Haven't you found any pictures of him in DOAU yet? I have two little ones I could send you if you don't have 'em. It's the Ninja Gaiden outfit so I'm happy ^_^ Mmm, Hayabusa… *drool*

*Cough* Anyway. Enjoy! 

*

"Uh…" Hitomi started before she was interrupted by a loud crashing noise and a girl-like scream.

"…oh," Helena finished. "They'll destroy the building!"

"Let go, you little bitch!" They heard Bayman's voice booming from the next room.

"Don't call me a bitch, you little man-whore!" 

"Here we go again…" Helena muttered.

Meanwhile, some of the girls were reminiscing happily about their time playing volleyball at Zack Island.

"Remember that time when I hit the ball and you had to dive for it?" Tina asked.

"Yeah…" Leifang smiled in recollection. "And I did…"

"And you ended up diving into Lisa…" Hitomi added.

"Yeah, and getting my foot stuck in a sand-hole…"

"Too right. She had to _dig _for it!" Ayane snickered.

"Shut up, Ayane, that's just old," Christie said from the back corner.

"But it's so funny!"

"I'll get that bumblebee back…" Christie threatened.

Ayane rubbed the side of her head where a bruise had formed and shut up. 

"Bloody bumblebee… can't believe that stupid ass flew into my head and everything. And it damn well hurt!"

"What about that time when I was trying to spike?" Tina asked.

"Oh yeah…" Leifang continued. "And your boobs hit you in the head and you fell unconscious?"

"Yeah!" Tina nodded, grinning at the memory. "I was out for over an hour!"

"It did something to her head," Helena muttered to anybody that was listening.

"Well, you know… we didn't just sit around twiddling our thumbs when you girls were out playing volleyball," Hayate mused. "We were out doing our own thing, too. Just that we don't have boobs, so it never got shown,"

"Well… Bass does," Zack pointed out. 

"Yeah. Dead or Alive Extreme Mud Wrestling!"

"You guys mud wrestled?" Suddenly, Christie looked interested. "Were you naked?"

Everyone made a face as one.

"The wind blows and you're stuck like that!" Leifang exclaimed, watching everyone's faces.

"Hell no. Just imagine… grabbing someone's thing that wasn't yours. Just imagine how torturous that would be, trying to tackle someone into the mud, and…" Tina was going dreamy by this stage. "Just imagine… you don't want to imagine it…"

"We _don't _want to imagine that!" Hitomi exclaimed. 

"Says who?" Hayate asked.

Everyone blinked at him.

"I always knew you swung that way, dude," Zack broke the silence, clapping Hayate on the shoulder in what he took to be a friendly manner.

"I bet you just did that so you could get a guy stuck between my breasts," Tina muttered, trying futilely to dislodge Hayate's head.

"Yes! I win! Pay up!" Jann-Lee exclaimed triumphantly to a disgruntled Kasumi.

"That was only a fluke!"

"No, believe me, I know. Call it a man's intuition,"

"What was the bet on?" Hayate asked in a somewhat muffled voice. 

"Whether Tina could house someone's head between her boobs," Jann-Lee said in an 'isn't-it-obvious?' voice.   
Meanwhile… in another part of the building…

"Whee!" 

"Don't wee on me, you idiot!" 

"I'm not weeing on you! I'm wheeing on you!"

"What's the difference?"

Bayman stopped pushing Hayabusa on the swing and glared at him.

"You really are just a dumb-ass!"

"My ass is not dumb!" Hayabusa immediately shot back.

_Call it a female's intuition. _Helena had come out, sensing that the assassin and the ninja were up to no good, and raised an eyebrow as she saw them.

"What are you two doing?"

_I always knew they… 'swung'… that way… ha, good one, Helena!_

"He was about to wee on me!" Hayabusa pointed to Bayman indignantly.

"Oui on you?" Helena asked, confused.

"Wee!" Bayman enunciated.

"Oui?"

"Wee!"

"So, not whee?" Hayabusa asked, equally confused.

"Oui," Bayman responded, just to confuse Helena.

"Wee?" It was working, all right.

"Oui!" Hayabusa had finally got the idea.

"Whee?" Helena was about to throttle someone in her frustration.

"No. Wee," Hayabusa informed her helpfully.

"What the hell?" Helena threw up her hands. "I'm going inside,"

"Oui," Bayman responded to her departing back.

"I'm wearing stilettos," she muttered under her breath. "Now is the time to use them, if any,"


	9. Chapter 9

'Oui' is yes in French, pronounced the same way as 'whee' or 'wee' depending which you prefer, but probably closer to the latter. ^_^ Forgot to say that.

Hope you're enjoying this sugar induced story thus far. It's giving me time to vent my sugar/vanilla coke, for which I am very grateful. ^_^

Don't worry, Wolf, it isn't going to turn into yaoi/shounen-ai if that's what you're worrying about… just everyone's having fun acting like dopes. And I'm having fun making them dopey. And bashing up Hayate… *cough* 

Note: I have a yellow budgerigar! Sandy! ^_^ Hopefully she'll stay away from Kasumi and Hayate, though! 

*

Five minutes later, a satisfied and smug looking Helena hauled up a severely bruised Bayman, throwing him to the floor. 

"Hi," she said, waving as Leifang grinned at her.

"Hai?" Now it was Hayate getting confused. Helena glared daggers at him before marching over and lifting a foot threateningly.

"What… what'd I dooooooo?" Hayate moaned.

Five more minutes later, and Hayate had joined Bayman on the floor, sobbing about his thing. Bayman muttered something and left the room.

"So, he's finally realised!" Hitomi sighed in relief.

"My thing, it hurts so bad…" Hayate stopped rolling for a minute. "What exactly is that, err… thing called? I never found out. Ninjas don't get sex-ed classes,"

Everyone simultaneously hit their foreheads. 

"Give it a name," Zack suggested with an evil glint in his eye.

"Umm…" Hayate paused. "What about…"

"Ryu!" Kasumi cried in surprise as Ryu (surprising, that) appeared in front of her with a loud cracking noise.

"Sorry, Kasumi, didn't mean to scare you…" Ryu sat down on a chair. "What's happening?"

"Okay, Ryu it is," Hayate said. "Glad I didn't have to make a decision,"

Kasumi dropped her head into her hands, muttering something about Mugen-Tenshin, Hayate, stupidity, rear ends and a yellow budgerigar.

"Oh no…" Hitomi paled. "This is gonna be…"

The door suddenly flew open. "Where's Ryu?" Bayman roared. "I'm gonna bash the hell out of him!"

"Noooooooo!" With that, Hayate ran off.

"Huh?" Bayman watched the departing ninja, confused. "What's going on?"

"Get him an eyebrow plucker," Tina suggested randomly.

"Great idea!" Helena was looking happy again. "Anyone got any more ideas for Hayabusa's birthday?"

Christie drew an eyebrow plucker, complete with someone that looked scarily like Helena getting her eyebrows _and_ her eyeballs plucked. 

"What about… a cow?" Hayabusa suggested. "Everybody likes cows,"

"Dude, where are we supposed to find a cow?" Zack raised what would have been en eyebrow if he hadn't had to have shaved them off for a dare between him and Jann-Lee. 

"You know what we could get him…" Tina paused. "A Ninja Gaiden style skanky bondage outfit,"

"That's gross, Tina!" Leifang exclaimed.

"He wears 'em," Tina held her hands up, shrugging.

"Do you want a Ninja Gaiden style skanky bondage outfit?" Helena asked the super ninja.

"I don't dress skanky! Are you saying, no, are you even insinuating that I dress skanky?"

Tears welled in emerald eyes.

"Oooohh… shit," Helena swore at the sight of Hayabusa crying. Everyone stared open mouthed at her, the same thought going through everyone's minds. _She can swear?!?!_

"Dammit, you're supposed to be looking at **_MEEEEEEE!_**" Hayabusa yelled furiously.

Everyone turned their eyes back to Hayabusa, not without a few glances drifting Helena's way every so often. 

Bayman sat down on the chair beside Hayabusa. "Where did Ryu go?"

"You're sitting next to him. On your left," Hitomi chirped.

Hayabusa glared daggers at her.

Bayman lunged.

"Wrong next to," Kasumi spluttered. "Your other left," 

"Oh. Sorry,"

Abruptly, an arrow shot through the window, directly at Hayabusa's head. He flipped off the wall, catching the arrow as he flipped backwards. 

To everyone's surprise, there were a few letters attached to the arrow. They all watched bemusedly as the super ninja ripped them off, reading them.

"Junk mail… bill… what?" Emerald eyes glared at the third and final letter. "This is preposterous! My Woman's Weekly subscription doesn't end for another month! This is _not_ good enough!"  
Before anyone could say anything, the super ninja disappeared in a swirl of leaves, holding the letters and arrow. 

"What just happened?" Hitomi asked dazedly.  

*


	10. Chapter 10

Wow, it's been a long time since this story was updated! Providing you remember what the heck was going on, here you go, here's a chapter. Enjoy!

* * *

"Listen, bitch, my subscription hasn't finished and that is FINAL!"

"Umm, sir… this is a bank," the lady behind the counter said helplessly.

"I don't give a damn whether this is a bank or a brothel!" Hayabusa slammed the letter down on the counter. "You all lie!"

"Sir, please…" the lady had backed back into the wall by this stage.

"Wait… did you just say that this _wasn't _a brothel?" Hayabusa paused.

"No, sir…" the lady started bemusedly.

"It _isn't _a brothel? Darn. Wrong spot. Sorry, miss,"

"It's… no… problem…" the lady stuttered as the super ninja disappeared in a swirl of leaves, returning back to where everybody was sitting and waiting for something to happen.

What the something was, nobody knew.

Hayate sighed. "Look. Hayabusa. I will go through this with you one last time. You post letters at a _post office, _not a _brothel. _Got it?"

"Why can't you post them at a brothel? What's the difference?"

"_Well…_" Tina started. "With post offices, you put your letters in the in-hole. With _brothels…_"

"Okay, hold it _right _there!" Helena exclaimed.

Before anyone could say anything else, another arrow shot through the window. Everyone ducked as the arrow hit the wall.

Hayate pulled it out of the wall, looking at the attached mail.

"Dear Ryu. Ooh, that's mine!"

Zack snorted and promptly fell off his seat.

"No it's not!" The 'real' Ryu snatched it. "It's addressed to me!"

"No it isn't!" Hayate roared. "It's for my… my… thing!"

Ryu stopped dead. "Did you just say what I thought you just said, Hayate?"

"I don't know. What did you think I just said?"

"You said, 'I don't know. What did you think I just said?'" the super ninja responded perfectly.

"No, before what I just said!"

"Before what you just said?" Now Ryu was looking confused. "Again, it was 'I don't know. What did you think I just said?'"

"No! Before that!"

"The 'No, before what I just said?'"

"Yes! Before that!"

"You mean, 'I don't know. What did you think I just said?'"

"YOU SMELL!" Hayate yelled.

Everyone went silent.

Hayabusa blinked.

Hayate smirked evilly.

Zack snuck out of the room to find chocolate cake.

"…that was harsh," Ryu looked sad.

"HA!" Hayate exclaimed. "HA, ha, ha, ha, ha, hahahahahaha! Now Ryu wants his mail!"

"Oh? It's a 'he'?" Tina questioned.

"Can you get those things in female form?" Leifang massaged her temples. "I don't even want to know,"

Ryu suddenly stood up and walked out of the room.

"Wonder where he's gone?" Hitomi queried absently.

Tina put her hand on Hayate's arm. "Give Ryu his male… err, mail… somewhere other then here,"

Everyone watched as the Mugen-Tenshin clan leader walked excitedly out of the room, clutching his mail for 'Ryu'.

"I think I want to go home…" Helena murmured to nobody in particular.


	11. Chapter 11

Good ol' Presents. About time I updated these stories I've been horribly lazy in updating, no? Anyways, hope you enjoy the stupidity!

* * *

"I just thought of something," Tina announced to the room.

"You need a breast reduction?" Jann-Lee asked.

"Well… yeah. Actually, nah. Like Kasumi suggested awhile ago, we can give him a pet or something."

"Why would he want a pet? He could eat it when he's out hunting."

"That would be a cave-man," Leifang told Bayman helpfully.

"Same thing. Ninja, cave-man, yeah, same thing…"

As they were pondering over what animal to get Ryu, Hayate walked in with a happy smile on his face. "Ryu's happy that he got his mail."

"That's, uh, good… I think," Hitomi rubbed her head confusedly.

"How did he read it?" Zack asked innocently, walking back in with an empty plate that looked suspiciously like it had chocolate cake crumbs on it.

"Oh, I read it to him. It's all good."

"Aww. Ryu can't read, eh?"

"Well… we have now… _one _day to think of something! Why can't he like pornography or something? At least then we'd know what to give him!" Leifang sighed.

"What?" Jann-Lee asked snidely. "Tina?"

"Yeah, something like that… hey!" The next thing everybody knew was Jann-Lee flying across the room and colliding with Hitomi. "I'll teach you to insult me!"

"At least he didn't say you were just a try-hard Pamela Anderson with tits bigger then bowling balls who likes mud wrestling with pigs." Hayate commented helpfully.

Soon enough, both Hayate and Jann-Lee were on the ground, moaning over their concussion.

"Ow! Tina…" Hitomi was rubbing her head. "Why did you have to throw _Jann-Lee _at _me? _Couldn't you have thrown someone a bit more…" Dramatic pause. "…Tasteful?"

"You're looking in the wrong place, darlin'," Tina drawled.

"Everybody hold it!" Helena put up a hand.

Everybody stopped talking. Even Hayate stopped complaining about Ryu potentially getting confused over his concussion and looked at Helena.

"I've finally got an idea! What we have to do… is buy something _you _want. Then he won't use it, and he'll give it back to us, so _we _can have it!"

"Yes! I can get my new skirt without feeling guilty!" Leifang exclaimed happily.

"I can buy my… bratwurst!" Hitomi smiled.

Kasumi stood up. "That's a perfect idea, Helena! Let's go shopping!"

"Why am _I_ coming with _you?_" Hayate snapped.

"Well, because, I want to buy something! And you're coming with me!"

"That doesn't answer my question!"

"I know!" Hitomi grinned. "I am the queen of evasion! Now, come on. Let's go!"

Hayate honestly couldn't remember having been dragged around to so many clothes shops in his life. Finally, they stopped outside one…

"NO WAY! You have got to be joking!"

"What's wrong?" Hitomi questioned innocently.

"I refuse to go into… this… shop!" Hayate roared, pointing at the window.

"So, what's your problem? Just think of it as a shop that houses various undergarments and things of that effect. Stop making such a big deal of it. Come in."

"Well, how do I look?"

Hayate rubbed his head. "I think nurses would be arrested for wearing skirts that short… and I've never seen a nurse that actually wore rabbit ears before…"

"Isn't it gorgeous?" Hitomi posed in the mirror. "I've always wanted to wear something like this as a joke…"

"Just don't bend over," Hayate muttered.

"Why?" Hitomi asked, bending over.

Hayate flushed scarlet and looked away… to a display of _very _disturbing outfits.

"Hey, Hitomi? Where's the head hole?"

"Uh…" the young German girl came over to look. "There, I think…"

"But…" Hayate rubbed his head again. "You can't get your head _back _out of there."

"I think that's the point, Hayate."

"Ryu and I are really scared… why are there so many chains?"

"To chain people up, of course."

"With their clothes? Wouldn't that be uncomfortable?"

Hitomi was beginning to sorely regret consenting to looking after Hayate… and 'Ryu'.

_Why did I ever… oh well, I have my nurse's outfit. All is good! I think…_


End file.
